February 20, 2012, was a day like any other for the most part. I went to work late that day because my wife had gone to Florida and had driven most of the night in order to get back to Columbia, TN, in time for me to work on Monday. I arrived at work just in time for lunch, so we went to lunch, came back for a meeting, and began to work. We were just getting started when my phone rang. It was my brother. Dad had been rushed to the hospital. I jumped in the car, and after a few more calls, determined that he had a massive heart attack at work and was gone.
I’m not the first person in history to get this call, but it was the first time for me. I got to Columbus, we made the funeral arrangements, and had the funeral. Honestly, that part was simple. However, that is just one part of what remains to be done. Now, the question is how to best care of his widow, my mother.
For worldly people, this question is resolved in the context of self. What is most convenient for me and for my family? What about the finances? Can I afford to handle what needs to be handled? However, for faithful Christians, the question is never if but rather “how”. How will I care for mother? How much will it take to care for her adequately? What does she need to meet her spiritual and emotional needs? These are questions that have no simple answer.
For the Christian, we look to 1 Timothy 5:3-16 to give some guidance about our obligations toward widows left behind. It says:
Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good andacceptable before God. Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives. And these things command, that they may be blameless. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Do not let a widow under sixty years old be taken into the number, and not unless she has been the wife of one man, well reported for good works: if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work.
But refuse the younger widows; for when they have begun to grow wanton against Christ, they desire to marry, having condemnation because they have cast off their first faith. And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not. Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some have already turned aside after Satan. If any believing man orwoman has widows, let them relieve them, and do not let the church be burdened, that it may relieve those who are really widows.
The apostle Paul took the responsibility of parents to children seriously. He admonished children to obey and honor this parents (Eph. 6:1-2). Toward mothers who became widowed, he laid the responsibility for their future needs squarely upon the shoulders of children and grandchildren by saying, “But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents”. Repay? Repay what? According to http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-06-09/u-s-child-born-in-2010-may-cost-226-920-to-raise-usda-says.html, the cost of raising a child to age 18 in 2010 was $226,920. Get your checkbooks out! However, I’m sure that only accounts for the hard cost of raising a child. It does not take into account the soft costs–emotional, physical, and mental. How often have parents, and especially mothers, stayed up at night with their children caring for their every need? How many sleepless nights have fathers experienced wondering if they’re raising their children right? No amount of effort can repay for what parents go through to ensure their children are raised right.
Notice also that, regardless of how much religion one may have, piety is first shown “at home”. One may darken the doors of the church building every time it’s opened and may read their Bibles and pray all the time without being truly pious. James said that the sign of true and undefiled religion is in the treatment of widows and orphans–two of the most vulnerable groups we came across (Jas. 1:27).
Another key statement in the context is “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. We all know about the “big” sins that will get you kicked into the lake of fire in a heartbeat–lying, fornicating, murdering, teaching false doctrine, etc. However, this statement is perhaps one of the most strongly worded statements about the consequences of sin. Not providing for the members of ones own household is a sign that one has fallen away. It’s as simple as that. There is no room for neglect of this duty. God wants us to think about all the members of their household–mothers included.
Whose responsibility is it again? Is it the duty of children to care for aging parents and for widowed mothers? Can I get someone else to do it? Paul said, “If any believing man orwoman has widows, let them relieve them, and do not let the church be burdened, that it may relieve those who are really widows.” What’s the different between a real widow and a regular widow? My mother feels like a real widow right now–she misses my dad. Paul is talking about widows who have someone to help and widows who do not. Widows who have no one to help have the church available to help them. However, widows who have living children or grandchildren have them to help. Believing men and women fulfill their duties toward their widowed mothers–they care for them, and they do it themselves. That way, the church is not burdened with someone else’s responsibility. Too many times the assumption is made in this and in other duties that the church will take care of this or the church will take care of that. However, what do the scriptures say? They are clear–do not burden the church!
What is to be done then? I certainly do not claim to know what is best for my mother at this time, but I can tell you this: I will practice pure and undefiled religion in this matter and will not practice spiritual infidelity. Plans may have to be changed and lifestyles adjusted, but doing the will of God is first and foremost since the ultimate goal is to be in Heaven with God for all eternity.
